COUPLES THERAPY

Well… if you're asking that question, it probably is.

The main symptom to look for is feeling stuck. You've tried everything you can think of, but you just keep hitting a wall. Maybe it's fighting over the same issue. Maybe it's the lingering effects of broken trust. Most couples wait too long before coming in. They spend months, sometimes years, hoping things will shift on their own. Sometimes they do. Usually they don't. The patterns just get more entrenched.

The problem is, the longer you wait the more resentment builds. You lose that feeling of being a team, and you become cautious and cold around each other.

And don't think you have to wait until your relationship needs an entire overhaul. It also makes sense to try therapy when the relationship has been good — but you feel it starting to slide in the wrong direction. Just a little nudge back on track is sometimes all you need.

This is actually pretty common. One partner is ready. The other isn't sure, or flat out doesn't want to.

You'd be surprised the difference one partner can make if they put everything they have towards a healthier relationship. It's not ideal. Couples therapy definitely works best when both people are in the room. But one person doing the work can still count big time.

If your partner isn't ready yet, don't wait. Come in on your own. Sometimes the change they see in you is what eventually brings them in.

First things first… The practical stuff. I'll say a few words about confidentiality, what it means and where its limits are. We also cover what you can expect from the process. I want you both to feel comfortable about the work ahead.

Then it starts. The first session is about pulling together as many puzzle pieces as possible. Expect us to cover at least three basic things: where the relationship is right now and what the main problems are; the story of your relationship from the beginning; and a bit about the families you each grew up in. I've learned to never underestimate how much our past shapes us.

It's a lot to get through in one session. But it means when we launch into the work, we know exactly which direction to head.

One more thing: you might feel nervous walking in. That's completely normal. In my experience, most couples feel relieved by the end of the first session — just having a safe space to finally say the things that have been sitting unsaid, maybe since forever.

No. Why not, you ask? Because it doesn't work.

Early in my career I used to sit with couples and try to figure out who was right. I'd listen to each partner, see both sides, and feel completely stuck. It was exhausting, and it didn't help anyone.

What I've learned over twenty-five years is that taking sides is the wrong goal entirely. Both people are usually carrying real pain. Both people are usually contributing to the cycle in some way, even when it doesn't feel that way from the inside.

My job isn't to be the judge. It's to help you both break the pattern that's been running the show. That requires me to be firmly on the side of the relationship — not on either partner's side individually.

I'm a stubbornly hopeful person. If you think your relationship is worth saving, I'll do everything I can to help.

I've worked with couples who came in barely speaking to each other and left with something genuinely better than what they had before the crisis. I've seen trust rebuilt after affairs. I've seen couples stuck in the same fight for decades try something different out of desperation, and find new life in their relationship.

That said, not every relationship can be saved. Some can't. If the foundation is gone — if one or both partners has fundamentally shown they can't or won't meet the other's non-negotiable needs — then no amount of therapy will fix it.

But here's what my stubborn hope tells me: far fewer relationships need to end than most people think. Most just need one partner who’s willing to take the plunge, to stop waiting for the other one to change first.

A few things.

Couples therapy often gets stuck trying to make things fair for everyone. Who said what, who did what, whose turn is it to give in. I used to do that too, and it didn't work. You can't out-argue your way to a better marriage.

What I've found — in my own marriage and in thousands of sessions — is that the only way out of the stuck cycle is for someone to do something that feels unfair. To stop waiting for their partner to change first and just ask: what can I do?

I call it the 100% Mindset. Not "you're to blame." Not "your partner is right." Just: each of you takes full responsibility for the health of the relationship, and stops keeping score.

It's not an easy ask. But I've seen it work… a lot. Couples are often genuinely surprised by how quickly things shift when both people stop waiting and start moving.

I wouldn't ask you to consider such a radical approach if I hadn't gone there first myself. I put the 100% Mindset into effect in my own marriage and turned a good marriage into an awesome one. It just took me 25 years to figure it out.